We Recommend Copycats - The Digital Fix 22/11/2011

If you haven’t heard of Copycats, chances are you’re a grown up with a job, a social life and better things to do at four in the afternoon on a Tuesday.

That’s right, I said four o’clock, that long-since forgotten TV timeslot you once used to look forward to all day at school. Whilst it now means nothing more than there being only one more hour of staring at a monitor, pretending to be working as hard as you should be, for kids it's still that glorious time in the day that you get to throw down your school bag and watch some mindless TV.


"Copycats is a kids show then?" I hear you ask. Whilst the answer is technically yes, I’m here to tell you why it’s so much more.

Copycats is a family game show where teams of six family members and friends, both children and adults, battle it out to win the (knocked up by the BBC props department in a hurry) Copycats trophy. Each show contains various physical rounds that vary from week to week, sandwiched in between three rounds of what are basically Chinese whispers.

The physical rounds are what you’d expect from a family game show; blindfolded shopping trolley basketball, running up a conveyer belt with an inflatable fish whilst wearing flippers, driving a motorised toilet to a pile of loo rolls before placing it on your spiked helmet etc. Whilst it’s obvious most of the physical rounds could only have been devised by a mind that’s been on one-too-many acid trips, there is the occasional and wonderfully simple team tilt maze. Watching kids and adults trying to coordinate with each other to get that ball around a maze offers the cheap kind of tension TV has lacked since the Crystal Maze, and all without having to resort to watching Phillip Schofield lock someone in a Perspex box.


The jewels in this shows crown are the Chinese whispers rounds the first of which is Mime Time. All six contestants stand in a line, separated by sliding cubicle doors. The first contestant is shown a card telling them what action they must mime, for instance sunbathing, fishing, dancing. The mime is then passed down the line, and more often than not hilarity ensues. My first introduction to this show was turning on my TV halfway though this round, only to be greeted by a grown man thrusting his groin at a small child who appeared frozen to the spot with puzzlement and fear. That was more or less my reaction too, but once the round had ended and all was put into context I was quickly convinced a phone call to social services wouldn’t be necessary.

The music round follows the same format but now each contestant has a kazoo on which they must perform a popular song based only on it’s performance from the person before them. Rest assured one of the poor blighters will fail get a single note out of the kazoo, an instrument played by simply humming into it, and the whole round will be a complete disaster.

My favourite round is usually Quick on the Draw, essentially Pictionary crossed with Chinese whispers. The person first in line will have to draw, say, a link of sausages, and the next person just has to copy. Once again, much to the amusement of the viewer, person number one can’t draw to save their life. His doodle looks nothing like a link of sausages, but you know what it does look like and that is not something that's exactly appropriate for 4pm on a Tuesday.

Fortunately you’re not alone. Presenters of the show Sam and Mark, once of Pop Idol fame, know exactly what the drawing looks like too. You can tell by the fact they’re pissing themselves laughing and giving a knowing glance to camera as two or three generations of the same family help the drawing evolve into what are clearly anal beads. Sam and Mark are fantastic with the kids but are clearly aware at least two rounds regularly become complete smut, but in that tongue in cheek yet somehow blissfully innocent way that we Brits do so well.


Copycats is as good a game show as anything Auntie Beeb has given a Saturday night slot to in recent years, and as clichéd as it sounds Copycats does offer something for the whole family. Kids will laugh at the rubbish drawings and music, parents will laugh at the innuendo, Aunt Irene will drool over the idea of a Sam and Mark (or SMark) sandwich, and grandma will be glad of the company and the chance to yell “He’s drawing anal beads’ at the television.

Recipe - Whoopie Pies

As you may or may not be aware, my girlfriend just happens to have a food blog (www.shecookssheeats.co.uk). This of course means not only do I get to eat lots fantastic food, but it's usually all cooked for me too. What people don't know is I'm not actually that bad in the kitchen myself. Not only am I a washer upper extraordinaire and an excellent coffee & tea boy but I can cook and, dare I say it, even bake.

I've been baking this week and it turned out so well I thought I'd share a recipe with you all for the best Whoopie Pies you're ever likely to try. It's based on a Simon Rimmer recipe but I've adapted it slightly to make it even more tasty.

Ingredients

125g butter
150g Chocolate, at least 70% cocoa solids (recommend Green & Blacks)
225g sugar
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
250g flour
30g cocoa powder
1/2 tsp baking powder

For buttercream icing

125g butter, softened
260g icing sugar
3-4 tbsp milk

First of all I'd recommend having three separate mixing bowls ready before you start or you'll end up running around and having to wash up whilst cooking. Once you're all prepared, preheat your oven to 180C and line a baking tray with greaseproof paper.

Break your chocolate into squares and place it in a bowl, along with your butter, over a pan of boiling water, making sure the base of the bowl doesn't touch the surface of the water.

 
While your chocolate and butter is melting whisk the sugar, eggs and vanilla extract in another bowl. Make sure you keep an eye on the chocolate so it doesn't burn.

Once your chocolate and butter are melted fold into the egg mix a little at a time.

With a sieve, sift together the flour, cocoa and baking powder and then fold this, again a little at a time, into the chocolate mixture. It should thicken quite quickly at this point so just keep folding until you have a sticky brown mix.

Using a tablespoon place the mixture onto your baking tray, making sure not to put them too close together or they will become one giant chocolate mess as they bake. Put them in the oven for 7-9 minutes depending on their size. At this point you may wish to take some time out to lick your bowl.

While your pies are in the oven prepare your buttercream by beating the remains of your stick of butter in a bowl with half of your icing sugar. I find using a large metal spoon works best as the mixture tends to stick to wood. Once your mixture starts to become smooth add the remaining icing sugar and your milk until you achieve your desired consistency.

 

Once your pies are cooked place them on a wire rack to cool before spreading them with the buttercream and sticking them together.

Once you've sandwiched them together you should end up with a whoopie pie that looks something like this.

This recipe should realistically make twelve or thirteen pies of a medium to large size, all you have to do is try not to eat them all yourself.

We Recommend The Young Apprentice - The Digital Fix - published 25/10/2011

If you missed the opening credits you could be forgiven the BBC were showing a Panorama special on upper middle class child exploitation, but in actual fact it's the the return of Young Apprentice, Lord Sugar's attempt to find an employee who'll work for less than minimum wage.


It's easy to see why the Junior version of the show isn't buried on the CBBC channel as the tasks are no easier just because the contestants are 16 and 17. In fact, aside from a few of the fresh-faced boys half of the candidates look and sound like they've visited Zoltar in an attempt to skip childhood and get ahead in business. 




The good news for hardcore apprentice fans is the kids are just as annoying as their counterparts from the main show. Scarily they are still so young — just imagine how much of a knob they’ll be in the future.


The teams, Kinetic and Atomic (no prizes for guessing which is the boys and which is the girls), set upon their first task of the series, making and selling ice-cream. In true Apprentice form we saw tantrums, arguments and cock-ups aplenty along the way. 


My theory is that the whole show tonight was all a big set up for when Lord Sugar quipped in the boardroom "Never mind Ben and Jerry, it's more like Tom and Jerry!". It's got everything, doesn't it — the ice cream reference, the dig at their childishness, teeth-grindingly awful wordplay...It could only have been more perfect if Nick had pulled a glacé cherry from his pocket and placed it gracefully on top of the joke, before dusting the whole thing with a generous sprinkle of hundreds and thousands.




Anyway. From what we saw of the potential apprentices tonight we should be in for an interesting and somewhat tempestuous few tasks. Of the candidates that stood out we have James, who is essentially Jim Jr., but instead of the gift of the gab he just spews a steady stream of crap, public school boys Harry H and Harry M who are so posh they'll probably end up firing Lord Sugar, Hayley who thinks she's bossy but I suspect we'll see in tears...a lot, super-bitch Gbemi who is going to step on everyone and enjoy it and Lewis the cheeky scouser. 


The rest of the job hunting gaggle were all fairly generic aside from good old Mahamed who, along with his bling, was fired tonight after practically flinging himself into traffic to sell ice cream like some sort of extrovert dairy pusher and then claiming he had thought of everything. At one point I was sure he was going to claim he invented ice cream itself. Mahamed does win the award for the most supervillain-like exit from a TV show ever, for vowing that Lord Sugar would one day regret firing him whilst being driven away in the back of a Bentley stroking a cat and cackling maniacally.






We definitely recommend tuning into this if you get the chance, we know it's reality TV but it's the Harrods of the reality TV world. Nobody has to sing, and watching young people get fired before they even have the job is at least topical, right?


You can catch up on the first episode of Young Apprentice on iPlayer here.

Top Ten TV Robots - The Digital Fix published 19/08/2011

As a young boy, there was very little that I thought was better than an awesome robot. And now I'm a grown man with a job and a car and serious commitments? Well...I still think there's little better than an awesome robot.

After some extensive research, I can confidently say that there are some pretty damn awesome robots on TV. Narrowing it down to ten was difficult — it involved many strenuous hours of watching TV. But I put in all this hard work so you don't have to. Your welcome.

10: Alpha 5 — Power RangersBet you didn’t see this one coming! Back in the 90’s Alpha 5 would spend his day’s in a blind robotic panic shouting “Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi” while a bunch of teenagers in crash helmets and lycra beat people up.

Alpha lives with his big headed boss (and possibly lover) Zordon in a command centre where he makes works as a technician and arms dealer for the power rangers. There’s a childlike innocence about Alpha and while he may not be the coolest TV robot ever he gets extra points for making C3P0 look butch. 



9: Sheriff Andy — A Town Called EurekaPossibly the most human-like robot on our list Andy is here because he’s just lovely. 

I couldn't decide which of the Eureka robots to put on this list. The one that flies around GD putting out cigarettes by squirting water on them almost won out, but in the end it had to be Andy. He's just such a nice guy. Robot. Machine. Thing. 

Loyal, hardworking, incredibly intelligent (he is a computer) and with a charming smile that makes my girlfriend's knees go weak, he's the kind of nice guy you'd want your sister to marry so you could have a sneaky pint with him whilst she goes shopping. But what makes Andy cool in my book though is the fact he is obviously a fan of the fuller figured woman, with his romantic interest being...a house. I kid you not.

8: Twiki — Buck Rogers in the 25th CenturyThink robot and you’ll no doubt think of Peter Crouch, think robot sounds and you’ll no doubt think ‘Bidi-Bidi-Bidi’ and that’s all thanks to Twiki. 

Twiki is cool on several levels firstly being voiced by Mel Blanc who is, of course, the voice behind so many classic cartoon characters. Second is the fact that Buck Rogers is heavily influenced by Star Wars and there are definitely some R2/3P0 parallels to be made between Twiki and his chest-hugging companion Dr. Theopolis.

The main reason Twiki makes the list though is because this pint-sized robot is a feisty little bugger. Classic quotes include “Eat lead, sucker!” and “You ever had TWO broken arms, buster?”

7: The Robot – Lost In SpaceWarning! Known formally as a (deep breath) ‘Class M-3 Model B9, General Utility Non-Theorising Environmental Control Robot’ we’ll call it ‘The Robot’ for short.

It has classic 1950’s B movie looks, a good old fashioned monotone voice to warn Will Robinson of danger and a plethora of good old-fashioned robo-skills which included scanners for sensing danger, robotic strength and an array of fantastic weaponry. Quite handily it could also produce exact duplicates of small objects, meaning you’d hardly ever have to pop out to the shop again. If that’s not enough for you it even plays the guitar! 

If only he’d been able to send email he could have saved the Robinisons so much trouble, and the world from the 1998 movie remake.


6: K9 — Doctor WhoMan's best friend is a dog. Geek's best friend is a robot. K9 is the perfect companion!

K-9 may not be cute and fluffy and he may prefer a nice game of chess to fetching a stick but he does have computer intelligence, the ability to speak, a laser in his nose and he’s very unlikely to be afraid of the vacuum cleaner (although he may try to hump it).



5: Optimus Prime — TransformersAs a child of the 80’s robots didn’t get much cooler than robots that could disguise themselves as everyday vehicles (if after that sentence Go-Bots popped into your mind please hang your head in shame and leave the room).

I’m of course talking about transformers and as we all know when it comes to Transformers Optimus Prime is the mac daddy. 

You might be fooled into thinking that Prime isn’t the best Transformer because he turns into a truck rather than a fighter jet, sports car or a massive 80’s boom box but you’d be wrong.

Prime is cool because he’s the ultimate good guy. He’s a pacifist at heart and is just striving for peace, kinda like a giant robotic Ghandi only not as shiny and with a sword and Ion blaster...


4: Lieutenant Commander Data — Star Trek: The Next GenerationWhat list of robots would be complete without your one of a kind sentient 24th century android with a desire to become more human. 

Data started his TV life with a straight-laced childlike naivety, by the time The Next Generation came to an end he had emotions, made bad jokes, experienced love and even sacrificed himself to save the crew.

Data is what most robots can only dream of becoming, well if robots could could dream. He’s played poker with Stephen Hawking, writes poetry, plays the violin and oboe, has a cat called spot and even has a fully functioning wang. 

3: Cameron - Terminator: The Sarah Connor ChroniclesHer Robo-skills include infiltrating the human race, killing and being irresistible. 

Do I really need to say anything more about this robot? You want one don’t you! 

Every geek wishes they had their very own robot and if you got to choose the design then there’s a very good chance said robot will look like Cameron. Obviously that’s just because she’d be slightly more discreet and easier to store than something that looked like Arnie you understand. Ahem.









2: Bender Bending Rodriguez - FuturamaBender is perhaps the most versatile robot on our list as his talents don’t stop at bending, oh no. He can be a water boiler, vacuum, projector, card shuffler, fridge, popcorn maker, flame thrower and yes even a toilet. 

Bender is the robot that would have Asimov turning in his grave. He’s thief, a liar and an insensitive, selfish, chain-smoking, gambling alcoholic. In fact he’s just about everything a robot shouldn’t be but he does it all with a ‘loveable rogue’ quality that prevents him from being a complete robo-shit. This is why Bender is one of the coolest robots not only on TV but of all time.



1: Kryten – Red DwarfNumber one TV robot of all time, as voted for by me without so much as consulting you because you’re bound to be wrong, is…… Kryten. 

Imagine C3P0 had grown a pair, but then that pair had shrunk slightly and Kryten is what you’re left with. He’s everything you could want from a robot – He’ll do your washing, hoover your house with his groin and cook dinner too. 

There’s no denying Kryten looks like an action figure that’s been chewed by a bulldog and then left on the rug after a six hour trip through it’s digestive system but that’s what every geek wants! What’s the point in having a robot that looks human? We want angles and a built in TV screen.

Kryten is defective, he’s bad tempered, neurotic and needy, but instead of giving him the Pinocchio complex some of our other robots suffer with this only serves to give him personality. 
Basically he’ll be your favourite gadget, your best friend and he’ll iron your underpants.

Superheroes of Suburbia review - The Digital Fix published 10/08/2011

Last Friday evening, I happened across one of the strangest bits of telly I’ve seen in a long time; a Channel 4 documentary called Superheroes of Suburbia. While I enjoy a good documentary as much as the next person, I do tend to shy away from the usual tat that’s on Channel 4, usually as it has a name like “The Boy With A Fish For A Penis” or “The World’s Fattest Leper”

As the title suggests, this documentary is about superheroes and therefore appealed to my inner geek. I felt compelled to watch out of intrigue. Up and coming director Christian Watt follows three individuals who don costumes and patrol the streets Kick Ass style. It sounds quite cool at first, but at times it bordered on disturbing. Here’s why.

Our first ‘superhero’ is Will, AKA 'The Dark Spartan' (pictured far right if you don’t know what a Spartan looks like), a 27-year-old father of two who aims to smash the drug syndicates in Torquay. At weekends he patrols his hometown of Torbay dressed as Spartan warrior, a costume made from police riot gear. 

We see Will out on patrol and attempting to talk to drunks. Can you imagine being slightly worse for wear and seeing this guy?! You’d either think you’d travelled back in time or your drink had been spiked. Unfortunately we don’t get to see The Dark Spartan in action because the police sort out any real trouble, while all the time ignoring our vigilante with the furry hemet. The riot gear and shield do get him noticed by the drunks, though, who are quite helpful in pointing out that being as he can’t legally use violence he’s actually powerless to do anything.

Will’s wife is worried about his safety and thinks (you think I’m gonna say he should stop being a dick right? nope) he should get backup. Ideally Will wants somebody with SAS training or a high ranking martial arts expert to be his partner in crime fighting, so he does what any good superhero would do and finds another local hero on Facebook. 

The prospective sidekick ‘Dark Void’ turns up for his interview and....... well just look!

From this point in I have no other choice but to refer to ‘Dark Void’ as Spider Gimp.

Spider Gimp, a comic book store employee, is asked if he has any martial arts skills. He promptly makes his way out into the garden to show of his skills twirling a weapon. When Will’s wife questions the legality of whacking someone with a stick, our colourful Gimp explains he actually needs the cane as a walking aid due to his IBS. Lets just hope he put a zip in the seam of that S&M ensemble.

Now we’re all getting the impression that these guys are just complete nutters. We may be right, but prepare to feel bad about it.

Since suffer a head injury 5 years ago, Will’s wife has been on a cocktail of drugs and unable to work. This means that as well as being the ultimate weekend warrior and holding down a job in finance, Will has to do pretty much everything at home. We also find out that all of this pressure has got to Will in the past causing him to have a breakdown and disappear..... 

Suddenly we go from thinking ‘what a twat’ to feeling bad that we’ve been mocking a guy with some serious mental health issues.

Hero number 2 is former soldier Ken, AKA ‘The Shadow’, who is just your average borderline psychotic Somerset ninja. Ken likes to dress as a ninja to fight crime because he believes the police are failing to do their jobs and he’s not afraid to do it for them. If necessary he’s prepared to use violence — oh, and did I mention Ken’s trained in martial arts and has a garage full of weaponry? 

Ken’s current mission is to rid one Yeovil car park of the boy racers there that disturb local residents. He stalks the gang for 5 weeks and plans his assault with military precision, albeit using chalk and an action figure, and then we’re ready to see him in action.

The Shadow turns up at the car park only to find it deserted — so, he does what any superhero/ninja would and hides in a bush, talking us through the fact that if necessary he is prepared to piss himself while he waits. Somehow, I can’t see a superhero movie where the protagonist has a Somerset accent and the distinct scent of a nursing home making it to the big screen anytime soon. I wonder if Alec Baldwin would be interested?

Anyway the boy racers don’t turn up and the camera crew inform Ken that they’re calling it a night. Ken agrees but vows he will return and vanquish the Yeovil yobs. He also offers to give us a demonstration of what he would have done.

He tosses a smoke grenade out of his bush and pounces out after it. Then he runs up to the van, which is providing the light for the nighttime shoot, and suggests they leave in a raised voice before running off. I’d genuinely hope that’s the worst he’d do, but it’s hard to believe it when the guy carries a fricking sword!

Once more we find out Ken has had issues ever since school, where he was put in a special needs class and bullied for having learning difficulties. Once he beefed up and learned to fight he responded with violence. Now he’s making up for it by fighting other peoples’ battles too, which leaves me with the feeling he may not have quite integrated back into civilian life.

Our final hero is 17 year old Kieran AKA ‘Noir’, the ginger kid with the conspicuous haircut. Kieran finds his first case in the local paper; he reads about a girl who’s been mugged and he sets out to track down the mugger. By sets out, of course, I mean he gets on his bicycle to look for clues in the local park.(The Dark Spartan, Noir and Spider Gimp waiting for the busmobile)

It’s at this point that my conscience interjects. I just can’t bring myself to sit and mock Kieran; he is just a kid with a disability. Kieran has Aspergers and is obsessed with comic books. In comic books he sees a simpler world it’s all black and white, right and wrong, good and evil. It’s just easier for him to understand. 

Kieran describes himself as shy and awkward, but says that his alter-ego Noir is strong and brave. It’s with this we begin to see why he has invented a character to become; it’s an understandable form of escapism.

As Noir he sets out to investigate the mugging by asking residents of his Yorkshire hometown questions, but his real self takes over. He has a panic attack and asks for filming to stop, before eventually plucking up the courage to ask an old lady and the local butcher. When they are unable to help, though, Noir becomes disheartened and turns into Kieran again; he contemplates hanging up his mask for good, saying he’s not cut out to be a superhero and is obviously just someone who should stick to reading comics in his room.

With what was most likely some production-team-influenced luck, Noir gets a lead on the mugging and is able to find out the identity of the girl who was mugged. Understandably, she is too traumatised/sane to meet with someone who claims to be a superhero. The show then takes an unexpected and heartwarming turn when Kieran writes to the girl reassuring her that the world is full of good people and saying “If you need any help or errands run, don’t hesitate to ask. After all, what kind of superhero would I be if I didn’t help?”

This show isn’t at all what I expected, I’m not even sure what I expected from this. Maybe something in between thinking “Wow, cool!” and ‘Ha! look at that weirdo”, but with the exception of Spider Gimp I was unable to do either. It plays much more like a Mockumentary as it fails to even scrape the surface of any of the real life moral or legal issues that are involved in being a real-life superhero, instead offering the viewer either caricatures or people in desperate need of professional help.

You can make up your own mind and check it out on 4OD now.

We Recommend Dragons' Den - The Digital Fix - published 01/08/2011

Dragons' Den has returned to our screens and this season it’s bought us a brand new dragon. Replacing James Caan (you know, the nice one who left the den after publicly trying to buy a baby off a flood victim and a row with fellow dragon Duncan Bannatyne over tax) is Hilary Devay and judging by her photo alone, boy does she look mean!



Doing a little bit of research you learn she’s a smart, strong independent business woman who, after being turned down for a bank loan in 1995, decided to sell her house and car in order to start up her business. Of course, this worked out for the best and is now a multi-million pound business empire. She’s no stranger to TV either — the eagle eyed among you may recognise her from Channel 4’s Secret Millionaire where she donated more than £250,000 to a music project.


What we’ve all been waiting too find out though is just how does Hilary stand up next to the other dragons?


When the first entrepreneur of the new series forgets how to talk about eight seconds into her pitch, new dragon Hilary offers some reassuring words and even some encouragement to carry on while the other dragons just sit and practice shooting a money fuelled combination of boredom and hated from their eyeballs.





Don’t be fooled into thinking she’s some kind of pussy cat thrown into the den, though; in this first episode alone she manages to prove that she’s as sharp edged as her Judge Dredd-esque shoulder pads. She asks smart, relevant and tech savvy questions, and if you don’t know the answer then our new dragon will eat you alive. Even Duncan Bannatyne started to back away and shrink into his chair while Hilary was ripping some ill prepared businessman a new one.


Other than Devay the series remains unchanged from eight previous seasons. To ensure nobody leaves untraumatised, Shrek-alike Evan Davis still lives under the stairs. Theo Paphitis and Peter Jones jostle for alpha male in a constant game of ‘mines bigger than yours’. Duncan Bannatyne manages to simultaneously radiate misery at every opportunity and have a constant look of ‘I used to be poor but now I’m not, so dance for me peasant’ Deborah Meaden continues to remind me of my old boss and quite frankly it scares the hell out of me.


Dragons' Den looks set to continue its winning formula this series with more of what we all know and love, and it’s good to see that the new dragon has a bite as bad her bark. 

Work, being boring and reaching 200

It's been a couple of weeks since my last post so I guess it's about time to write something again.

Even though I've finished school and most of my private students are off on holidays these past couple of weeks have been manic what with windband gigs, writing last minute parts for music and updating my professional website. The latter has consumed a vast amount of my time this past fortnight and I'm very glad to have finished the redesign as I don't think I could have coped with anymore html. If you know who I am then you can Google me to see all of my hard work. If you don't know me then...Think of a name, then Google that and pretend it's me. I'm very happy to take all of the credit for their life work and resulting website.

Surprisingly I've even had real life social events to attend, too! How cool is that?! I almost feel like a real boy.

My movie watching has remained at a reduced rate due to all of the important worky bits going on but I'm pleased or possibly slightly ashamed to say I hit the 200 movies milestone by attending a midnight screening of Harry Potter. I now have under 50 new movies left to watch to complete my challenge! Any suggestions for anything special for my 250th?

In other good news I've managed to eat healthily. Following the excellent Slimming World diet plan, I've lost half a stone already and become much more active too. I've taken up squash again and I'm going swimming lots. My next task for the summer is to fit in more practice while things are quiet on the gig front and then make a proactive effort to get some decent gigs again (Looks like there could be more orchestral work on the horizon and a fair bit more conducting too)

That's it really. Nothing's really happened. I'll try harder to do exciting things so I can delight you all with tales of a fun and exciting nature but feel free to make up your own story about the last couple of weeks of my life. Possibly one where I ride a horse/have super powers/hang out with Robert Downey Jr.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon - Reviewed Lost Penguin style

This week I got a boys' afternoon out with my brother, and what better way to spend a boys' afternoon out than watching a mindless action movie in 3D.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a huge improvement on Revenge of the Fallen, but let's face it that's hardly difficult considering Fallen was possibly one of the most half-arsed attempts at film making to ever call itself a blockbuster.

You have to know what to expect when you go and see a CG driven action film, especially from a director like Michael Bay. It's never going to deliver anything profound or win Best Screenplay Oscars, but it is going to be visually impressive if nothing else.

The plot is, of course, ridiculous. This isn't a bad point though. I mean, the film's about giant robots that turn into cars! An Autobot spaceship containing a technology that could have changed the outcome of the civil war with the Decepticons escapes from the Transformers home planet of Cybertron and crash lands on Earths moon. This turns out to be the reason behind the space race and a secret part of Apollo 11's mission. (I must say, this was the best bit of the movie for me as I love all the space race stuff and they did it pretty well. The real Buzz Aldrin was in the movie!)

The rest of the plot is pretty much a massive battle, with added padding because the actors need to flap their mouths occasionally.

We're introduced to the Autobots old leader Sentinel Prime (Leonard 'Spock' Nimoy) who we think is good but turns out is working with the Decepticons. We're also introduced to Sam Witwicky's (Shia LaBeouf) new girlfriend, thingy, whatsername, Miss Perkytits, Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whitley — more on her later)

Megatron rocks up too and there's lots of shooty, shouty big badabooms.

Unlike Fallen, Dark of the Moon seems to just about manages balance explosions with humour, and there were several occasions where the whole cinema audience was laughing away. This was mainly due to the amazing Alan Tudyk, who for some reason is one of the most likable actors of all time. Honestly, this guy could kick down my front door, punch me in the face and set fire to my cat but I'd still offer him a coffee and a chat. John Malkovich is in it too, playing LaBeoufs weirdo boss — the only problem is there's not enough Malkovich screen time.

The last thing to do is point out this films main weakness...It does action well, it does humour well, but it does love terribly and part of the reason for this is the frankly terrible acting from newcomer Rosie Huntington-Whitley. A woman clearly hired for her body and nothing else, not even her weird model face. I wouldn't normally be this scathing about someone but she really has to be seen to be believed, and even LaBeoufs natural talent/cockiness struggles whenever it shares screen time with her. My scrotum has more chance of winning a best actress Oscar than this woman does. If she somehow gets another job in a film that requires some real acting skill and you end up thinking about watching it, I'd advise you to stay home and stare at a door.

I realise that I haven't exactly painted a positive picture, but it's pretty much what I both wanted and expected from this movie. I do wish they'd continued as well as they'd started with all the Apollo 11 stuff, but to be honest even I suffer from writing a tiny amount of okay content followed by absolute bollocks.

In summary Transformers: Dark of the Moon is pretty much what seeing film in 3D on a big screen is all about. Don't go expecting the King's Speech with giant killer alien robots. Allow your brain to power down and you'll be fine. It earns an action movie 6/10.

Countdown to Christmas

It's been a really busy week this week with gigs, rehearsals, and teaching. Then, last night was my first open evening at school. I still find it strange to have kids calling me Sir and Mr Penguin, it's even stranger when parents do it!

It was quite a good night overall and hopefully all the preparation the night before, reading a BTEC syllabus cover to cover and coming up with various enrichment classes that could count towards the BTEC modules, paid off. It would have been nice to be given more than 24 hours notice to do all that, but that never seems to be the way it works.

It's the end of term for me now which means no more school until September. Yay? No. It means I take a pay cut over the summer and have to rely on private teaching and any gigs that come along. At least you'll have plenty of free time? Again, no! I have to prepare for September. Lesson plans for groups that may or may not happen and lots of writing music.

A big proportion of this summer is going to be spent arranging Christmas music for Steel Pan groups and the junior wind band. If I'm lucky I'll get a break from Christmas music in September, but by October nearly all of my music groups will be starting to rehearse for Christmas concerts. And I'll have all my own gigs to rehearse for by November.

This is it then, by next week it's my very own countdown to Christmas. If you see a curly haired musician beating the living shit out of a department store Santa for whistling Jingle Bells, come say hi.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it

People, I'm excited. Luckily for you it's not sexually so you can take off the goggles and shower cap and gather round.

I'm excited about the new trailer released today for Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol. At this point let me clarify that like every other vaguely normal person I find Tom Cruise to be a strange, midget-like mental case, but I do love the Mission: Impossible films.

Right now I'm watching MI-3 and it's a pretty good film, largely thanks to director J.J.Abrams (and in my own geeky mind composer Michael Giacchino). J.J won't be directing number four but he is still a producer (and Giacchino is still scoring!) This time around Brad Bird will be at the helm as director — that's right, the director of The Iron Giant, The Incredibles and Ratatouille will be taking on his first live action film.

If you can put up with a two hour toothy smirk from the lead weirdo this should be an interesting movie. Oh yeah, it also has Simon Pegg and Lost's Josh Holloway for the ladies.

Now I just need to sneak out of the house when it comes out on boxing day...... Check out the trailer below.

People who Piss me off

Lots of people have pet peeves. Who knows, I could even be one of yours. As I get older I feel that I'm getting more and more grumpy about everyday things, and nothing makes me grumpier than people. When I inevitably at some point end up moaning out load about the things that piss me off, I then feel bad about moaning so it's a lose-lose scenario for me.

Now, before you get all smart arse on me and start thinking "people who moan piss me off" a) please see the irony in your own thought and commence with self-hate immediately and b) I'm not one to moan out load in public. I keep it inside and then bitch to family, friends and my long suffering partner.
Without further ado I give you a (very) shortened list of entitled 'People who Piss me off'.

• People who moan out loud in public
• Anyone who tuts in a queue
• The person who runs back into the shop to get that last item, holding up the line at the checkout
• Cyclists who ride side by side
• Cyclists without lights/helmets/reflective clothing etc
• Cyclists
• Caravaners
• Fat middle aged men who shout at sportsmen on the TV
• People who wear sports clothing for everyday use
• People who are computer illiterate doing jobs that involve computers
• People who are bad at their jobs
• Runners
• Bullys
• People who drive like dicks, inevitably in a German car
• Litterers 
• People who talk in the cinema
• Queue jumpers
• Male, teenage drivers
• Teenagers
• Anyone who rides a moped
• Cyclists again
• Stupid people
• Radio One presenters
• Everyone I didn't care about at school who added me on Facebook. And their stupid children
• People who send chain emails
• Telemarketers
• Politicians 
• Boy racers
• Anyone who goes door to door trying to sell religion
• People who deny evolution or the Holocaust (grouped together as they're the same kind of moron)
• People who own landrovers and don't live on the side of a mountain
• People who buy a people carrier because they have two kids and a dog
• The man who lives up the street from me
• People who talk just to fill a silence
• People who think you're sad or moody just because you don't talk to fill a silence
• Anyone who walks around shirtless in public
• Anyone who wears lycra in public
• Parents who swear at their small children in public
• People who walk the street with an open can of lager
• Women who apply make-up with a shovel
• Old ladies that don't wear bras
• Compulsive liars
• Psychics (see compulsive liars)
• People who, when they find out I'm a musician, tell me all about how they used to play an instrument and could have made it if they'd only kept it up
• Anyone who smells really strongly of weed
• Anyone who smells faintly like a bodily fluid/function
• Homophobics
• Tweenage girls who dress like hookers
• Justin Bieber
• People who are just too into fashion and dress like twats
• People who have no clue about fashion and dress like twats
• Anyone who shouts in the street
• White people who dress like rappers
• People who don't acknowledge wearing a football shirt is just as much playing dress-up as wearing a Star Trek uniform
• People with a stuffed toy collection on the parcel shelf of their car
• Cellists
• Me
• Cyclists
• Any group of people who share the same haircut
• Vegans
• Hippies
• Responsible adults with facial piercings
• Guys who hit on girls who clearly have a boyfriend (also see list entitled; Things that make me use my shotgun)
• People who stare at me
• Noisy people in the quiet carriage   

I think that's enough for now, but rest assured more may follow. Feel free to add to the list yourself.
If this list has offended anyone in anyway, well, it's kind of your fault really and you might want to have a bit of a rethink about your entire life.

Penguin's been busy

Fear not reader(s), I haven't abandoned you. Yes, I know it's been over a month since I last wrote anything, but I've been busy. Not that kind of busy where I just say I've been busy and I've actually just been lazy and you can kinda tell by looking at my film list and Twitter feed and then call me on my procrastinating bullshit. I mean work related busy.

First of all, my big gig went very well. It was hard work filling in for someone and learning an entire album in a couple of weeks for the sake of one gig and having to rehearse Cajon so much that I ripped my hands apart, but my God it was fun. Here's a picture (I'm the one at the back sitting on the box)

In gig related news, I won't be doing the cruise ship gig this winter, but instead I'm now finally teaching in school. I'm only in one day a week doing instrumental lessons and hopefully groups, but hooray for some steady work. It's weird going into school and being called 'Sir' or 'Mr Penguin' (obviously my real surname isn't Penguin and the kids don't really call me Mr Penguin. If they did it'd just be a bit messed up) 

I've also been really busy with having to transcribe drum parts, arranging songs about Jesus for keyboard students, arranging Christmas music in June for brass students exams and writing out various exercises to use in my teaching. Given the amount of work I have ahead with all of that, I'm toying with the idea of putting them all in a book.

The great thing about being a freelance musician is at that I can spend a day in the studio recording a play-along version of my partner's favourite song to cheer her up during uni exams and I get to call it work. By the end of the week I was filling in with a big band performing Michael Buble songs. Who needs financial stability, eh? 

Oh yeah, and I've started a diet. I even go and get weighed every week. I know what you're thinking..."fatty fatty bum bum" well sod you! It's more a controlling my diet and getting back in shape now that I'm (mostly) in remission from my colitis. I'm cooking fresh stuff every day and being very good. I'm even teaching my baby brother, who's also in the group, to cook.

Hopefully with the summer holiday approaching I'll have more time to sit down and thrill my readership with the delights of my innermost thoughts once more. I bet you can't wait.

Gigs are like buses.......

........ They're big, red, full of nutters and smell of stale piss. Okay that's not what I meant, well some gigs.... never mind lets get back on track here.

Bad jokes aside I've had a real shortage of gigs since I've returned to being a professional musician, luckily for me most of my work comes from teaching anyway but getting the odd gig now and again is important for several reasons. Most of all cash, it's a necessary boost to the income when a half decent gig comes along. Just getting out there and playing is really important too just you keep your hand in as it's very easy to become complacent or even lazy if you're not performing. The other reason has to be self esteem, if you're not getting any gigs at all you really start to wonder why you're bothering.

What makes it harder for me is the fact that I'm completely freelance, I'm bandless so to speak and therefore have to rely on people needing a percussionist. When they do it's usually a last minute kind of job where I'm just filling in so it's high pressure but that's what makes it all worthwhile. 
I really enjoyed being in my last band but while bands and artists tend to get the odd well paid gig, or medium to high profile bit of TV work today's music scene is a pay-to-play culture and I can't afford to do that as music is my job and I have to make it pay or I'll starve. (For those aware that my partner is a food blogger replace starve with bitch a lot and cry)

I've already mentioned that this year I got orchestral work playing timps in a requiem and that I'm depping (the muso lingo for filling in) for a very good band at the end of May. It looks like I'm also going to get some dep work with a covers band containing members of the very good band and some work which will essentially be up-market busking. There have also be some noises made about doing some percussion at festivals too, it may not be glastonbury but it's high-profile enough and it's work. Of course as musicians we tend to live on the promise of work, 50% materialises and the other 50% doesn't but so far it's teetering on the more positive of the two.

The big news is that I've been offered a cruise gig at the end of the year. It's very early days at the moment and it may not happen as I haven't decided if I'm going to accept the offer yet. I have established that I can get the time off school and a friend who is also a music teacher has said she's able to take on my private students if I go. There's so much to consider with this one and while 10 weeks in the Mediterranean playing cheesy pop does sound cool It's not a decision I can rush into. Not least because it would mean being away all over Christmas and New Year.

The main thing is that I'm getting offers again and that's going to help fill the gap between now and reapplying to spend the rest of my career in the classroom.