Now, before you get all smart arse on me and start thinking "people who moan piss me off" a) please see the irony in your own thought and commence with self-hate immediately and b) I'm not one to moan out load in public. I keep it inside and then bitch to family, friends and my long suffering partner.
Without further ado I give you a (very) shortened list of entitled 'People who Piss me off'.
- People who moan out loud in public
- Anyone who tuts in a queue
- The person who runs back into the shop to get that last item, holding up the line at the checkout
- Cyclists who ride side by side
- Cyclists without lights/helmets/reflective clothing etc
- Cyclists
- Caravaners
- Fat middle aged men who shout at sportsmen on the TV
- People who wear sports clothing for everyday use
- People who are computer illiterate doing jobs that involve computers
- People who are bad at their jobs
- Runners
- Bullys
- People who drive like dicks, inevitably in a German car
- Litterers
- People who talk in the cinema
- Queue jumpers
- Male, teenage drivers
- Teenagers
- Anyone who rides a moped
- Cyclists again
- Stupid people
- Radio One presenters
- Everyone I didn't care about at school who added me on Facebook. And their stupid children
- People who send chain emails
- Telemarketers
- Politicians
- Boy racers
- Anyone who goes door to door trying to sell religion
- People who deny evolution or the Holocaust (grouped together as they're the same kind of moron)
- People who own landrovers and don't live on the side of a mountain
- People who buy a people carrier because they have two kids and a dog
- The man who lives up the street from me
- People who talk just to fill a silence
- People who think you're sad or moody just because you don't talk to fill a silence
- Anyone who walks around shirtless in public
- Anyone who wears lycra in public
- Parents who swear at their small children in public
- People who walk the street with an open can of lager
- Women who apply make-up with a shovel
- Old ladies that don't wear bras
- Compulsive liars
- Psychics (see compulsive liars)
- People who, when they find out I'm a musician, tell me all about how they used to play an instrument and could have made it if they'd only kept it up
- Anyone who smells really strongly of weed
- Anyone who smells faintly like a bodily fluid/function
- Homophobics
- Tweenage girls who dress like hookers
- Justin Bieber
- People who are just too into fashion and dress like twats
- People who have no clue about fashion and dress like twats
- Anyone who shouts in the street
- White people who dress like rappers
- People who don't acknowledge wearing a football shirt is just as much playing dress-up as wearing a Star Trek uniform
- People with a stuffed toy collection on the parcel shelf of their car
- Cellists
- Me
- Cyclists
- Any group of people who share the same haircut
- Vegans
- Hippies
- Responsible adults with facial piercings
- Guys who hit on girls who clearly have a boyfriend (also see list entitled; Things that make me use my shotgun)
- People who stare at me
- Noisy people in the quiet carriage
If this list has offended anyone in anyway, well, it's kind of your fault really and you might want to have a bit of a rethink about your entire life.
Wait...I talk to fill silences.
ReplyDeleteAnd have been on FOUR WHOLE RUNS/JOGS.
*weeps*
Firstly you don't talk for the sake of talking though. Sometimes quiet is nice and the ability to share comfortable silence without the need to tell some bollocks story you've told a million times before is a marvelous thing.
ReplyDeleteAs far as runners/joggers,joggers don't piss me off as it's an excellent way yo keep fit. In fact I find it inspiring when I see some 20 stone guy in sweatpants jogging along trying to get fit/lose weight/catch the ice-cream van.
If you ever get to the point where you're wearing tiny little short shorts made of the shiniest flimsiest material possible and a vest with your high-tech heart monitor and a keen eye on your time than that's when it's gone too far.
It's not even the short shorts that get me though it's the way they wear their smug. Yes well done, you're faster than me but I've bought a puma and I'm training it to sniff out sweat and lycra.
Male, teenage drivers. I used to worry that I was being prejudiced when I saw a group of young men (in sports gear) getting into a car. Now that I'm older I realise I'm completely justified, or at least sufficiently right enough of the time to be biased and maybe save mine or someone's life.
ReplyDeleteBut cellists??? Someone must have really hurt you...
Although I agree with you on the cyclists thing. Yes, you are a road user, but you're not the only road user and you're slow and I need to food shop/go to work/pick up my kids, etc. You're out for a bit of a bike ride. I can empathise somewhat, though, because I has a bike once. When I was 13.
And the going around shirtless. Those who could never do, and those that do really, really shouldn't.
Cliff - If I were a driving examiner and a young guy in sports wear turned up I'd have to fail him before he stepped into the car and punch him in the face for good measure.
ReplyDeleteCyclists..... bloody cyclists, each and every one should be knocked down by a teenage boy dressed like he's personally sponsored by JJB. I only hope that the screams of the cyclist are drowned out by the subwoofer on the speeding Corsa.
As for Cellists.... As a musician I know people who play most instruments and it's an even mix of good and bad. I'm sure there are nice cellists out there but every cellist I've met has been a right nobber.
Cellists - If your a nice cellist why not get in touch and prove you exist then I'll quite happily cross your kind off my list.
Cyclists - Fuck off.
Could we get sporties to become figures of hate among cyclists and start an campaign of mutually assured distruction? We'd be stress free, the roads would be safer and we'd never arrive late for anything.
ReplyDeleteSee, people like you and me, Garry, we're dreamers.